don't speak

Dear Walgreen's Management, Trainers, and Staff.

I have had a concern for many many many months now that I'm finally able to address in this letter to you.  Now that we know we are having another wonderful little girl (in three months!) and now that my wife is large enough that everyone else knows it as well I would like to make some very direct and specific suggestions for future training meetings with your store employees. 

I'm not sure if you are aware of this or not but your store touts itself as a pharmacy and a lot of really personal things happen at a pharmacy.  I am willing to guess that most people don't like to talk about any of these things.  Just to give you an idea of what I mean, no one is hoping or expecting you to ask them why they are buying hemorrhoid cream.  That would be awkward, don't you think?  It wouldn't really be appropriate to say something like, "hmm, Prozac, huh?  You been feelin' depressed?"  There are a whole variety of items that you sell in your stores that require no comment whatsoever.  (It could be argued that store clerks should really not comment on anything but sometimes I expect they just can't help but comment on anything that says "as seen on TV" on it and I really can't blame them for that.)

Just to be 100% certain we are communicating properly, here are just a few suggestions of things they should not comment on:


(these are children.  don't ask me about it)

 condoms
pregnancy tests
tampons
adult diapers
Enema kits
Anything fungus related
and finally the one most relevant to me and my life experience (that I will admit)......Ovulation kits. 

You see, we have been hoping to have a baby for a few years now and despite understanding the process quite well, had previously been unsuccessful.  In order to aid us in this process we needed a few ovulation kits.  I know you don't need to understand all the background here but please understand that while there are many things in this world that could be considered "turn offs,"  peeing on stick every day is one of them.  The only thing that could make that experience any worse is to have to talk to the cashier at our local store about the ovulation kit every time you buy one.  Because we have been trying for some time now, we have had to purchase quite a few of these kits and so far we have found no room for comments like, "you are going to have another one, huh?"  or  "I see you have two, how many more are you hoping for?" or "what are you going to do tonight?"  (PS- answer is pee on a stick and then be angry about it, thank you very much.)

I would suggest that in the future you could possibly train your clerks that the polite thing to do is NOT make small talk.  I know they are bored and need someone to talk to and the items being purchased could make good conversation pieces if they are snuggies or light sabers or cadbury chocolate but when the items consist of pretty much anything used in the bathroom please refrain from talking at all.  Actually, if you could train them to avoid eye contact in these situations that would be even better. 

Sincerely etc. etc.

uh...well...I don't know how to say this

So I had one of those experiences today that makes me glad I don't really blog that much anymore because then I can record it for posterity and no one will ask me about it at church.

Right now I should be doing homework. School starts up again tomorrow and I'm really really really resisting it. I think maybe next semester I'm going to transfer to red box university or something. I'll bet I'll ace all of my classes then. This week I start managerial economics. I don't think they have that at the red box yet.

Anyway, something embarrassing happened today. Something I don't really understand, to be honest. I just don't understand how it could have happened. I also don't really know which words would be appropriate to use. The story requires delicate, embarrassing words. The kind of words that I think are usually only used when my wife goes to book club. I do have a standing invitation to book club because of my tendency to say inappropriate things so I'll just have to trust that the words will come to me.

My story starts about mid-afternoon today when my all fruit and spinach smoothie had sufficiently worked its way through my body and began to seek escape. It was also that time of afternoon when it seems to happen to everyone else also. Every stall on my floor was full. Next floor down was also full. Finally, I found one open stall in the basement and was able to "take care of business" as we say here in the Jackson household. (sometime you should ask the wombat to sing you "takin' care of business" by BTO. It is pretty awesome. He changes some of the words but it is great.)

So anyway, everything went just fine and I went back upstairs and got back to work. After a phone call and a few emails I needed to go talk to someone else so I stood up and walked out into the hall. As I walked I caught a quick glance of something white beneath my feet. Pretty quickly my brain processed this as toilet paper stuck to my shoe. "Embarrassing," I thought. I stopped and reached down to grab it only to realize it was no longer there but had come off just behind me. I bent down to get it only to realize that it was not, in fact, toilet paper. Nope, definitely not toliet paper.


It was my underwear.


Confused, I quickly snatched up my underwear and put it my pocket and quickly started walking back down the hall unsure if anyone in the cubicle jungle around me had noticed this quick event. I didn't look back to find out either. I didn't want to know. I was on my way to talk to someone so I just kept going. On the way there I couldn't help but wonder how my underwear could have suddenly fallen out of my pant leg. I started going through the last 30 minutes in my head trying to figure out if there is anyway my underwear could have fallen off when I went to the bathroom. I thought through it and was quite confident that I had not undressed in the bathroom in any way to make this possible and yet........

Next I put my hands in my pockets to see if I could feel my underwear in there anywhere. I couldn't be sure. I was starting to feel very concerned. Finally I made it to the bathroom, went into a gratefully available stall and confirmed for sure that I WAS in fact wearing underwear. What a relief! But if I was wearing underwear, then where did these come from? I checked the size and they looked like mine. Finally I decided to smell them and they even smelled clean (gratefully).

I'm pretty sure I must have had some crazy static cling going on in these pants but here is the really crazy thing.....today was something like the fourth day in a row I've worn these pants. I know this isn't the sort of thing I should be admitting at this point of an embarrassing post but it is true. I don't really believe that pants get dirty so I re-wear them a lot. Just a few days ago, I was wearing these pants in front of a large group of people from around the country giving a presentation. Can you imagine if my underwear had fallen out then? And how really could I have not felt it in there after putting these pants on and off for days?

Laine the Hurricane got the game Clue for Christmas so we have been playing it A LOT. It is pretty fun actually and there are some changes to the old school game. There are these cards called "intrigue" cards that you can play. If you don't want to show someone a card you can play an intrigue card that says "the rumor remains unanswered." So that is how this story must end. Great intrigue, and an unanswered rumor of the underwear.

Success and Failure (mostly failure)

I had one of those moments recently when I finally really felt like I was a successful parent. Romney turned 5 this month and Marie asked him one day what he wanted to do for his birthday. His answer? "Mom, I want to go backpacking! The kind where we sleep in a tent. And...rock climbing."

YES! Success! Maybe you don't define the success of your parenting the same why I do but whether you call it brainwashing, proper training, getting your kids to like cool things, or just plain old getting your kids to like what YOU like so you can bring them with you - to me this really felt like a true, tangible, measurable evidence of our superior parenting skills.

However, as those of you with more experience know, it was all a set up for finding out that we are not that great after all.

You see, we have this problem in our basement with a certain smell. This certain smell, well, it smells a lot like pee. We can't (our couldn't) find the source. We knew the area of the basement and we know that we have son with less than perfect bladder control but all the usual sources of such smells (you know - the bed, a pair of underwear stashed behind his dresser etc) were all coming up empty. Until today. Today I was helping Romney clean his room when I was moved by my worst fears to ask my little guy a point blank question.

"Rom, have you ever gone to the bathroom in your bedroom?"

silence

"Rom, I need to know. Have you ever gone to the bathroom in your bedroom?"

severe lack of eye contact and...silence

"okay Rom, I'm not going to get angry but I need to know the truth. Have you ever gone pee in your room?"

"Yes."

"In this corner?"

"Yes."

"Why?" (trying to sound like a thoughtful, understating dad instead of what I really am which is a super grossed out and seriously weirded out dad)

"Well, sometimes I really have to go and I don't think I can make it upstairs."

"So you go in the corner of your room?????"

Later I got it out of him that he had done it at least "a few" times. At this point when he realized I wasn't going to yell at him he talking about it didn't seem to phase him. ("oh yeah, a few times at least. Check out my Iron Man, Dad!")

(can you believe such a cute kid PEES IN THE CORNER OF HIS ROOM? ahhhhh)

Oh well. Back to failure parent status. It's okay, I really feel more comfortable this way. It was a lot of pressure for those few days when I was a successful parent. I'm glad to have that behind me.

(ps - dad, can I borrower your carpet shampooer thing?)

long long time ago

I know many of you think we quit blogging. We haven't. It just that Marie and I have been really really busy.