Baby's got back

Hello friends and family and blog stalkers,

Immediate tangent before I start the post - I'm thinking of getting more blog stalkers and making money from them through my blogging.  I hear people do it all the time.  I also hear those people don't have real jobs and only have cats instead of children but I still think it is possible for me, even though I hate cats.  If you want to help me prove it is possible, please send me money.  That will show those people who say it not possible. 

Anyway - we are kind of back on topic now.  Money.  Your money, really, because that is the point of this post.  I'm writing to invite you to part with some of your money for a good cause.  (maybe a better cause than sending it to me but not 100% sure of that.)

My mom has organized a 5k fun run/walk in March and I'm trying to help recruit support. My mom is an endoscopy nurse and very involved in colon cancer screenings. Do you know what an endoscopy nurse is?  I didn't until my mom became one.  Lets put it this way, imagine you need a scope to enter your body through an existing opening.  An endoscopy nurse is the one that sticks that scope into that existing opening.  Nuff said? 

 

So back to the run, sort of.   Endoscopy nurses are a strange breed with an odd sense of humor so you never know what you will find on a run like this.  Already I think it is a bit strange.  The run is called the Buns Up 5k Run.  Buns up?  I know.  I don't really know what to think of that either.  Here are some of my concerns about a race called buns up.....

 

1.  I'm afraid that the swag bag that normally has things like hammer gel and coupons for REI will have stuff in it like that drink that gives you diarrhea before you have your colonoscopy.  If there are coupons, what will they be for?  I don't even want to speculate to be honest.  More realistic (and things that encoscopy nurses will think are funny or cute) are little Christmas tree ornaments or stuffed toys that look like Eneman...... I will just let that sink in for a minute......you read that right.   There is a character named Eneman. (follow him on facebook here.)  He is a young and budding superhero.  He looks like a home use enema, only more colorful.  One of the first signs that I knew my mom had really succumbed to the world of endoscopy nurses was when I found a small enema man ornament on our Christmas tree.  I asked her to take it down and she said she thought it was cute.  Several weeks later she was cruising around in crocs decorated with Eneman.  Maybe they will throw in a copy of the Fleet calendar. (WOW)   Scary.  And weird. 

2.  Registration waiver.  I have already signed up but I think I should have read this more carefully.  Do I have to run bum exposed?  That would be in the waiver right?  I'm going to get a t-shirt and not a hospital gown, right?  oh man I hope so. 

3.  After race perks.  A lot of big races out there have nice things at the end.  You might be able to get a quick massage or maybe a back adjustment from a local chiropractor.  I'm worried about what could be at the end of this race.   Under a tent, behind the curtain, what could they offer?  Hip coffee colonics maybe?  I hear they are all the rage. 

Okay - so all (or most) joking aside.  This is a great event to support a great cause.  The proceeds from the event will go towards a program to pay for colonoscopies in order to help with the early detection of cancer for those that may not be able to afford the procedure.  The race will be held up at the Olympus Hills mall, over to Millcreek, and back.  The real goal is to get sponsors but you can't get sponsors without runners!

I've signed up.  I hope you will sign up.  Come run with me.  (Unless I'm at the hospital because we are having a baby sometime really close to this date.) 

Really.  It will be a fun - SCOPE FREE - day.  Here are links for more information and to register...

Buns Up Colon Cancer 5K run

Date & Time: Saturday, March 26, 2011 9:00AM

Location: Olympus Hills Shopping Center

Cost: Entry Fee $25, after March 19th, $30.

http://www.active.com/running/slc-ut/buns-up-colon-cancer-5k-run-2011

http://www.mwsgna.com/?page_id=10

http://www.sports-am.com/events/index1523.htm

don't speak

Dear Walgreen's Management, Trainers, and Staff.

I have had a concern for many many many months now that I'm finally able to address in this letter to you.  Now that we know we are having another wonderful little girl (in three months!) and now that my wife is large enough that everyone else knows it as well I would like to make some very direct and specific suggestions for future training meetings with your store employees. 

I'm not sure if you are aware of this or not but your store touts itself as a pharmacy and a lot of really personal things happen at a pharmacy.  I am willing to guess that most people don't like to talk about any of these things.  Just to give you an idea of what I mean, no one is hoping or expecting you to ask them why they are buying hemorrhoid cream.  That would be awkward, don't you think?  It wouldn't really be appropriate to say something like, "hmm, Prozac, huh?  You been feelin' depressed?"  There are a whole variety of items that you sell in your stores that require no comment whatsoever.  (It could be argued that store clerks should really not comment on anything but sometimes I expect they just can't help but comment on anything that says "as seen on TV" on it and I really can't blame them for that.)

Just to be 100% certain we are communicating properly, here are just a few suggestions of things they should not comment on:


(these are children.  don't ask me about it)

 condoms
pregnancy tests
tampons
adult diapers
Enema kits
Anything fungus related
and finally the one most relevant to me and my life experience (that I will admit)......Ovulation kits. 

You see, we have been hoping to have a baby for a few years now and despite understanding the process quite well, had previously been unsuccessful.  In order to aid us in this process we needed a few ovulation kits.  I know you don't need to understand all the background here but please understand that while there are many things in this world that could be considered "turn offs,"  peeing on stick every day is one of them.  The only thing that could make that experience any worse is to have to talk to the cashier at our local store about the ovulation kit every time you buy one.  Because we have been trying for some time now, we have had to purchase quite a few of these kits and so far we have found no room for comments like, "you are going to have another one, huh?"  or  "I see you have two, how many more are you hoping for?" or "what are you going to do tonight?"  (PS- answer is pee on a stick and then be angry about it, thank you very much.)

I would suggest that in the future you could possibly train your clerks that the polite thing to do is NOT make small talk.  I know they are bored and need someone to talk to and the items being purchased could make good conversation pieces if they are snuggies or light sabers or cadbury chocolate but when the items consist of pretty much anything used in the bathroom please refrain from talking at all.  Actually, if you could train them to avoid eye contact in these situations that would be even better. 

Sincerely etc. etc.

uh...well...I don't know how to say this

So I had one of those experiences today that makes me glad I don't really blog that much anymore because then I can record it for posterity and no one will ask me about it at church.

Right now I should be doing homework. School starts up again tomorrow and I'm really really really resisting it. I think maybe next semester I'm going to transfer to red box university or something. I'll bet I'll ace all of my classes then. This week I start managerial economics. I don't think they have that at the red box yet.

Anyway, something embarrassing happened today. Something I don't really understand, to be honest. I just don't understand how it could have happened. I also don't really know which words would be appropriate to use. The story requires delicate, embarrassing words. The kind of words that I think are usually only used when my wife goes to book club. I do have a standing invitation to book club because of my tendency to say inappropriate things so I'll just have to trust that the words will come to me.

My story starts about mid-afternoon today when my all fruit and spinach smoothie had sufficiently worked its way through my body and began to seek escape. It was also that time of afternoon when it seems to happen to everyone else also. Every stall on my floor was full. Next floor down was also full. Finally, I found one open stall in the basement and was able to "take care of business" as we say here in the Jackson household. (sometime you should ask the wombat to sing you "takin' care of business" by BTO. It is pretty awesome. He changes some of the words but it is great.)

So anyway, everything went just fine and I went back upstairs and got back to work. After a phone call and a few emails I needed to go talk to someone else so I stood up and walked out into the hall. As I walked I caught a quick glance of something white beneath my feet. Pretty quickly my brain processed this as toilet paper stuck to my shoe. "Embarrassing," I thought. I stopped and reached down to grab it only to realize it was no longer there but had come off just behind me. I bent down to get it only to realize that it was not, in fact, toilet paper. Nope, definitely not toliet paper.


It was my underwear.


Confused, I quickly snatched up my underwear and put it my pocket and quickly started walking back down the hall unsure if anyone in the cubicle jungle around me had noticed this quick event. I didn't look back to find out either. I didn't want to know. I was on my way to talk to someone so I just kept going. On the way there I couldn't help but wonder how my underwear could have suddenly fallen out of my pant leg. I started going through the last 30 minutes in my head trying to figure out if there is anyway my underwear could have fallen off when I went to the bathroom. I thought through it and was quite confident that I had not undressed in the bathroom in any way to make this possible and yet........

Next I put my hands in my pockets to see if I could feel my underwear in there anywhere. I couldn't be sure. I was starting to feel very concerned. Finally I made it to the bathroom, went into a gratefully available stall and confirmed for sure that I WAS in fact wearing underwear. What a relief! But if I was wearing underwear, then where did these come from? I checked the size and they looked like mine. Finally I decided to smell them and they even smelled clean (gratefully).

I'm pretty sure I must have had some crazy static cling going on in these pants but here is the really crazy thing.....today was something like the fourth day in a row I've worn these pants. I know this isn't the sort of thing I should be admitting at this point of an embarrassing post but it is true. I don't really believe that pants get dirty so I re-wear them a lot. Just a few days ago, I was wearing these pants in front of a large group of people from around the country giving a presentation. Can you imagine if my underwear had fallen out then? And how really could I have not felt it in there after putting these pants on and off for days?

Laine the Hurricane got the game Clue for Christmas so we have been playing it A LOT. It is pretty fun actually and there are some changes to the old school game. There are these cards called "intrigue" cards that you can play. If you don't want to show someone a card you can play an intrigue card that says "the rumor remains unanswered." So that is how this story must end. Great intrigue, and an unanswered rumor of the underwear.