don't speak

Dear Walgreen's Management, Trainers, and Staff.

I have had a concern for many many many months now that I'm finally able to address in this letter to you.  Now that we know we are having another wonderful little girl (in three months!) and now that my wife is large enough that everyone else knows it as well I would like to make some very direct and specific suggestions for future training meetings with your store employees. 

I'm not sure if you are aware of this or not but your store touts itself as a pharmacy and a lot of really personal things happen at a pharmacy.  I am willing to guess that most people don't like to talk about any of these things.  Just to give you an idea of what I mean, no one is hoping or expecting you to ask them why they are buying hemorrhoid cream.  That would be awkward, don't you think?  It wouldn't really be appropriate to say something like, "hmm, Prozac, huh?  You been feelin' depressed?"  There are a whole variety of items that you sell in your stores that require no comment whatsoever.  (It could be argued that store clerks should really not comment on anything but sometimes I expect they just can't help but comment on anything that says "as seen on TV" on it and I really can't blame them for that.)

Just to be 100% certain we are communicating properly, here are just a few suggestions of things they should not comment on:


(these are children.  don't ask me about it)

 condoms
pregnancy tests
tampons
adult diapers
Enema kits
Anything fungus related
and finally the one most relevant to me and my life experience (that I will admit)......Ovulation kits. 

You see, we have been hoping to have a baby for a few years now and despite understanding the process quite well, had previously been unsuccessful.  In order to aid us in this process we needed a few ovulation kits.  I know you don't need to understand all the background here but please understand that while there are many things in this world that could be considered "turn offs,"  peeing on stick every day is one of them.  The only thing that could make that experience any worse is to have to talk to the cashier at our local store about the ovulation kit every time you buy one.  Because we have been trying for some time now, we have had to purchase quite a few of these kits and so far we have found no room for comments like, "you are going to have another one, huh?"  or  "I see you have two, how many more are you hoping for?" or "what are you going to do tonight?"  (PS- answer is pee on a stick and then be angry about it, thank you very much.)

I would suggest that in the future you could possibly train your clerks that the polite thing to do is NOT make small talk.  I know they are bored and need someone to talk to and the items being purchased could make good conversation pieces if they are snuggies or light sabers or cadbury chocolate but when the items consist of pretty much anything used in the bathroom please refrain from talking at all.  Actually, if you could train them to avoid eye contact in these situations that would be even better. 

Sincerely etc. etc.