this will come as no surprise, but I'm really missing this.
this picture dates from the days just after Romney was born and my mom would come over every afternoon and give Lainey (who was feeling displaced and neglected) some love in the form of dress-ups and laughter and stories and treats and playing and lots of attention. in doing so, she gave me time and space to put a few of the pieces of myself back together, to stop holding my breath, and feel like we just might live to see another day.
I could use some of that right now.
instead, I find myself trying to figure out how to hold the duality of rich abundance and powerful loss, which leaves me looking for sense in places where there is none and trying to understand things that are inexplicable. why why why. that's not a question so much as a wish that I understood why these lives we lead are such hard places to be sometimes. healthy people die. good and innocent people have to deal with very difficult situations, sometimes (though certainly not always) created by other people's terrible choices. awful. senseless.
so many whys I struggle with and here's one: why does it feel sometimes like God is in the little details of our lives, and not the big ones? yes, I can reframe this for myself: why is it easier to see God in the little details, and harder to see Him in the big ones? I imagine and hope that someday I'll look back and see more clearly what I can't see now, but in the meantime, why don't we get to know which of the details of our lives are big and which are small in the grand scheme of things? because it's occurring to me that I mix them up more often than I realize and I wish I knew the difference. so maybe that's the point. I know the flip sides to all of my arguments and frustrations, but that doesn't make me feel much better.
We have a motto around our house: You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. It applies here because Jim (among other people) has been after me to take a turn updating the blog and I'm pretty sure this isn't what he had in mind. And so to Jim I say, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit. how's that for a little ray of sunshine?
5 comments:
about the details, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit. Except I think God says it in a more loving way like, all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good... all meaning the big and the little. I wish I could give you what you needed.
that picture says so much, I love it and I loved visiting with you last night. Looking forward to seeing you next week!
Who says a ray of sunshine can't come in the form of honest musings about the mixed bag of life?
Thanks for posting w/o the "dear blogger, i always love my life" spin, and thanks for posting a great picture of the sunglasses babes.
i love this post. especially the second long paragraph. even though it's hard to believe, there are others who will come when Lainey (i.e. you) feel displaced and neglected...but you'll probably always wish it was her. that's how i feel anyway, but i'm grateful for the others too.
i love this idea: some lives are hard places to be.
i also remember feeling perplexed after mom died about what was big and what was small. on the one hand, it felt like nothing mattered. and on the other hand, it felt like everything did.
You put your feelings into words so elegantly - poignant and real. They make my heart ache and wish I had that one answer you've been waiting to hear. Life is a hard place to be and it seems the only thing to do is surround yourself with people who love you (which in your case is an INCREDIBLE amount of people) so you will have lots of soft places to land and bounce back. I sure do love you Marie!
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